Mostly Boys
Holy hell. I was so hungover today. I’m pretty much over it now, but it was so bad earlier that I actually called in sick to the restaurant tonight. I feel kinda bad about it now, being as I’m not sick and I could go in – but not bad enough to call them and tell them I’ve changed my mind. I made the gross mistake of going to my friend’s DJ night last night and was up until about 5am today. What an idiot. I was hanging out with the street team boys all night long and they were wasted – I kept telling myself it was going to be a ‘one beer only’ night, but I think we all know how that goes. It’s never only one beer. Instead, it’s more like 5 or 10… sometimes 20. Maybe my days as a lush aren’t over – they’re just getting to be less and less as time goes on. I can’t go out on school nights anymore. Today, I took a freakin’ cab to work because I was running so late – I got here at 8:45, which is about 30 minutes later than I am supposed to be in. Whoops. I then spent two hours trying not to fall asleep in my weekly staff meeting, cursing the fact that I didn’t call in sick. And now the internet’s down… which is just fantastic.
What, might you ask, prompted me to stay out to such a ridiculous hour? Well, I’ll tell you: I am afraid that I’m butt-crazy in love with one of my best friends. I mean, God damn. Why does this shit always seem to happen to me? This is now the third time in my life where I’ve become best friends with a great guy that is more-or-less completely unavailable (physically, emotionally, literally…) and then I fall for him. And then, I wonder what happens to all the guys that I go on dates when they disappear. What happens to them is that I get just close enough to reel them in before realizing that I’m totally not interested in anyone but my best friend. Crimeny sakes. The other thing is this – I wouldn’t want to be with him even if he was available. He’s too close to me at this point; I feel like he’s got me figured out and I hate that. There’s nothing worse than someone getting too close. It’s a buzz-kill. And there it is… my vicious cycle – I never let anyone in, no matter how much I want it or how good it would be for me. He was being weird last night, too. He kept telling people that we were going to get married someday – no time soon – but someday. I was like, ‘ew – stop it.’ Not much makes me more uncomfortable than marriage talk and, for some reason, it made me especially uncomfortable when he was talking about it (possibly because my vulnerability was being stripped down a layer every time he said it). I am such a commitment-phobe.
What, might you ask, prompted me to stay out to such a ridiculous hour? Well, I’ll tell you: I am afraid that I’m butt-crazy in love with one of my best friends. I mean, God damn. Why does this shit always seem to happen to me? This is now the third time in my life where I’ve become best friends with a great guy that is more-or-less completely unavailable (physically, emotionally, literally…) and then I fall for him. And then, I wonder what happens to all the guys that I go on dates when they disappear. What happens to them is that I get just close enough to reel them in before realizing that I’m totally not interested in anyone but my best friend. Crimeny sakes. The other thing is this – I wouldn’t want to be with him even if he was available. He’s too close to me at this point; I feel like he’s got me figured out and I hate that. There’s nothing worse than someone getting too close. It’s a buzz-kill. And there it is… my vicious cycle – I never let anyone in, no matter how much I want it or how good it would be for me. He was being weird last night, too. He kept telling people that we were going to get married someday – no time soon – but someday. I was like, ‘ew – stop it.’ Not much makes me more uncomfortable than marriage talk and, for some reason, it made me especially uncomfortable when he was talking about it (possibly because my vulnerability was being stripped down a layer every time he said it). I am such a commitment-phobe.
All I want to do today is go home, register for the marathon, go swimming, sit in the sauna for a minute or two, and have some soup. That’s it. Absolutely nothing would make me happier. I’ll probably call up my latest fling too, just to keep things going. I’ve been a bad pseudo-girlfriend lately by not taking the initiative to call him up or text him. We haven’t actually spoken since last Thursday, which is a pretty long time. Odds are that’s my fault… so now I have to remedy that. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do about him anyways. I like him, he’s pretty cute, and he drives a nice car… but I’m not sure it ‘fits’ yet. I suppose time will tell. I’m also craving some quality time with my mom, which is actually kind of weird because we pretty much don’t get along… at all. I can’t remember the last time I actually wanted to hang out with her. Like, I’m actually calling her right now to try and make a date for tonight. Dang it! She’s still busy…. Good for her. I guess it’s just gonna be me tonight.
